2010 Christmas Card

Family Snowfall Leaf Christmas

Make a statement with custom Christmas cards at Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

My Life as Mr. Mom

Back in the 80's there was a movie made called Mr. Mom. Now in this movie, the husband gets laid off and becomes a stay at home dad while his wife goes back to work. Now, I am beginning to understand what that character felt like.
No, I didn't get laid off, but due to morning sickness, my wife has been unable to do a whole lot around the house. Believe me, she wants to but her upset tummy, nausea, headaches, prevent her from doing what her heart yearns to do. Thus, I have donned the title of Mr. Mom to our little girl and to the housework.
Now several things have become very clear to me as I have attempted, and that is the key word, to step into my wife's shoes.
- First, does anyone actually dust their home each week? My wife insists that people actually do this. What if someone broke in? The police would be able to easily see where the criminal had been and get quality fingerprints from all over the house, right?
- Meal planning. You mean more than opening the fridge at 5:30 and saying, uhm, what sounds good? This is a skill that I don't possess but am learning day by day.
- Laundry. Has anyone else noticed that if you leave laundry alone in a secluded spot, you suddenly have more laundry? Think rabbits...yeah me too. I don't know how in the world to stay on top of this one with our picky washer. (really low water pressure, takes 1/2 hour to fill up)
- Bathrooms. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a self cleaning bathroom? You know, lock the door, set the timer, and walk away? Not in our bathroom and thus I find myself with a sponge in hand cleaning. How did my wife keep up with this on a regular basis? When I was a bachelor, you cleaned like once a month and that worked, right?
-Childcare. Ever try to work on the computer with an active 10 1/2 month old climbing all over the office? Yeah, right. Our daughter is wonderful and a real blessing from the Lord, but my wife is a saint compared to my patience level. (actually, we are both saints according to the Bible, but figuratively speaking, she is more than I am)
-Pregnancy. No, I have not experienced this one firsthand nor will I. But now in the second pregnancy, my beautiful wife is such a trooper. She actually knew she was going to get sick, have yucky days, and all that goes with pregnancy and STILL wanted to have another child. (insert 'Hallelujah Chorus' here)

So as I count the days till my other half can jump back into the life that she desperately desires, and that I desperately wish to hand back when/if she is ready, I see God's hand in both of our lives through this time. For me, I am learning, again-cuz I didn't get it the first time, what it means to serve my wife as Christ loves the church and gave Himself for us. She is being stretched to let go of her desires to do, and wait on the Lord to give her wisdom and strength to do what she can handle.

To you, my dear wife, I salute you and thank the Lord for you. I love you, always.

Till Next Time, this concludes thoughts by an acting Mr. Mom.

My First Fathers Day

Wow! I am a father. Yup, dad, daddy, the big D. Dad. So tomorrow is fathers day, right? Okay. And? Am I supposed to feel empowered or something or demand I get everything I want for the day? (better than my birthday?!) Seriously, I don't know how I feel about being a father, yet. I mean, cool title, right? An elite club with limited membership will ever get to call me dad. Of course on the flip side, there is an elite club who will feel that I will be "unreasonable" "annoying" and probably if I play my cards right, "mean and a jerk!" So here I sit, with a little girl that has been loaned to me for 18-20 years, her father, her daddy. Feels nice.

I don't want to sound super spiritual but becoming a father didn't freak me out. I cried when I saw her being born. I cried when they kept her in the NICU for a week. But I guess what they say, 'Ignorance is bliss.' definitely fits me. Now, is it hard when she is crying...hard when she won't sleep...hard when she won't give her parents 5 minutes to themselves? Uhm, I claim the fifth! Anyhow, I guess I view fathering just like the rest of my life: one day at a time. I know as our little family expands, Lord willing, life will get more challenging. But I don't know that I feel that I am on a "mission from God," to quote a famous movie(say with a Chicago accent), as a father. Rather, God made me. God brought me a wife. God brought us a child. And GOD alone will allow me to not screw up this cute little girl too permanently.

So as I ponder my first fathers day, I reflect on my own father and must say, thanks.Thank you for never giving up on me. I saw God's faithfulness demonstrated through your belief in me. Thank you for kicking my sorry butt when I needed it. If that seminary prof thing ever washes out, I hear the Army needs some drill instructors. Thank you for your willingness to let me fail. I am beginning to grasp that this is one of the hardest facets of parenting/fatherhood. Thank you for doing 'man stuff' with me. Still not sure how to define that term from my childhood, but you did it. Like running copies on a Sunday morning before church, just you and me and the old radio shows playing on the car radio. Like allowing me to sabotage/help you make shelves for your office. Finishing my castle for my 6th grade Social Studies class and bruising your bum in the process, even as I was more concerned about my project then my father. Like taking me to QT after a football game and saying you enjoyed my 5 minutes of play time in the pouring rain. Thank you for all of the lessons that you have taught me without really teaching me. As I have become an adult, I keep 'discovering' things that you instilled in me, many of which you never knew you had. Thank you for the hug you gave me at my college graduation in front of the whole crowd. Thank you for walking with me through my early adult years as I scraped and bruised myself through my own mistakes. Thank you for listening to me when I declared "I want to marry this girl" after only knowing her 8 weeks. Thank you for the challenging words on our wedding day and for picking on me about getting to the kiss too early. I deserved that.

So as I celebrate my first and my father celebrates his 35th fathers day, may I be half the father that my father was and is to me. May my children not say platitudes about me but rather about the God within me. To my little girl, I love you KH and pray that God will bring you to know His saving grace quickly. To my father, I love you dad and thank God for the many lessons that you have taught me with the most important being to fear the Lord.

Life in the NICU

We were recently blessed with the birth of our fist child, Karen on April 18. She was early, so she had to spend a week in the NICU. These are my reflections on that time.

There is a club that exists that has a very elite membership. You don’t get to choose to join this club but rather are forced into membership due to the Lord guiding your circumstances. You can try to deny your membership, but it doesn’t help. You can attempt to ignore and suggest that it is all made up and you aren’t a member, but alas, this avails you nothing but frustration and discouragement. This membership will drive you to tears and emotional heights and lows that you have never experienced. It is a lifetime membership that has its meetings at least once a year on the same day, or sometimes more depending on the level of membership. And the only people who understand that you are a card carrying member are other members of this unique and special club. The membership that I speak of is of the club that I have dubbed Club NICU. (CN)

When a family finds out that they are expanding and adding a new member, they force their thoughts away from this club and reject the idea that they will ever be members. For as the first trimester progresses into the second trimester, week by week, they feel their chances of membership are fleeting. At last the third trimester begins and with it a mental countdown shared by no one else but the parents. The due date for the baby is no longer just a new member of the family but rather a target and bulls eye to aim at, all the while knowing that despite ones best efforts and even the arrival of the due date, they could still join CN. Some join early, second trimester, others join late, due date and after, but once in, they are part of a club that will change their lives and challenge their very faith in God, or for some drive them to a new level of faith in God.

Our induction into this club began on April 17 at 6:00 AM with the discovery of a wet bed. During the early morning answer to nature’s calling, my wife exclaimed, “I’m all wet!” to which her shocked husband quickly discovered was not an overly active bladder reminiscent of childhood. My wife showered, while I melted down only to be reformed by a quick and deliberate prayer shared with my mother and AT&T wireless. After her shower, I held my wife and prayed and wept; not the tears of mourning or anger, but rather the tears of a man who feels so in adequate for the task ahead of him. Finally, I grabbed our checklist and began to organize our belongings as a general organizes his troops prior to an invasion. We would not be landing on the beaches of Normandy or Iwo Jima, but the racing pulse emulated many of what those men felt on those historic and brave landings: fear. The gear was packed, the garage door opened, the car rolled, and the membership into CN was all but assured.

Upon arrival at the hospital on that spring day, we were ushered into the maternity ward with a myriad of thoughts racing through our minds. The tests and the questioning began hitting us like heavy, wet snowflakes, stinging and melting faster than we could comprehend. At long last, the welcoming committee to CN, stepped into our room and began to give us introductory remarks and informally ‘welcoming’ us to the club. She was not necessarily a member, but as the head nurse of the NICU she was a de facto leader of membership. She carefully yet deliberately stated why we were now members and what our membership might entail. For us the membership was not a very high level, 34 weeks, possible breathing and more minor issues. But for us it was enough.

The day stretched into night and soon the hour was at hand. With one final grimace, groan, and the most incredible effort by my wife our daughter arrived, sealing our membership once and for all. Moments after delivery, she was gone. As the parents, we stood their stunned and teary eyed. They said she was fine, but they whisked her away, far away it felt, and there I was left to console the baby’s mother, my wife, and commend her incredible effort and performance upon this early Saturday morning. I, being the coach/father, was allowed to go and to visit the clubhouse of our club, the NICU, shortly after the quick exodus of our young child by some loving and skilled nurses.

I walked through the door and was greeted to a world that I had only seen on TV, a world full of alarms, tubes, and wires that though was foreign now would soon become a part of our young family’s life. Though our membership was a lower level, we were members and there was no denying this fact now. Our young baby was beautiful; far beyond what my tear filled eyes could see. For the next little while, I went back and forth ferrying word and digital pictures of our little daughter to her recovering mother. And at last, three hours after being removed from her mother’s arms, she was back in her mother’s arms, wires, sensors, tubes, and all. Our induction was complete but our journey was only beginning.

Denial was our first stage of membership that we passed through. This stage consisted of failing to accept what God had allowed to happen and downplaying a serious drama to the level of a sit com. This stage was complicated since our little girl didn’t look sick, like so many other members of CN. But after a day or two, we shifted to the stage of despair. We cried, struggled, and in general exhausted the last bit of our emotional reserves. ‘Why us?’ was a common theme in our heads, though we were afraid to exhale such content. Anger and frustration are a great part of this stage and we spent these emotions as quickly as a wealthy child spends their trust fund. During this level, you begin to sense a slight bitterness to those who have the ‘normal’ births and arrived at the hospital after you and are already packing to go home, delievered, recovered, and departing. This stage never quite breaks away from one’s consciousness and stays in the shadows for a long time afterwards.

But as quickly as clouds rolling away after a spring thunderstorm, the Son appears and reveals a new stage that is ours for the taking: acceptance and praise. We are members of CN because God wrote this chapter to bring Him the most glory. Our membership is not a very high level because God chose to place us on this level. Finally, our membership is an opportunity to see the hand of God at work in ways that some may never get to in their lifetimes. Too dramatic, you say? Ask a member of CN and see what they tell you as they walked the darkened hallways of the hospital, ate takeout food again, and listened to high pitched chiming of alarms coming from their child’s incubator. However, Club NICU is not the curse that I once considered it. Is it a hard club? For those of you on the outside, I’ll just say this: it is the hardest roller coaster you will ever ride. There are good days/hours, and there are bad days/hours. You smile at the victories and cry in moments of defeat. Through it all, God is there.

As the alarm sounds once again, He is there. As the doctor shares that you won’t be taking your daughter home as soon as you thought, He is there. As the nurse shares blood tests that show more negative than positive, He is there. As you look at your checkbook and wonder how you will afford the extra expenses of eating out and buying things that you needed, He is there. Above all else, He is there and is guiding and directing each and every event that occurs in CN. Do I regret my membership in the
CN? No, not because it is a chance to see God’s hand at work and the stretching of my faith in a way that I could not have ever imagined.

God is good. God is faithful. God is gracious. God is faithful. God is sovereign. God is merciful. God is God. All of these were statements that I accepted as fact until the day that my wife and I joined Club NICU. In those days following induction, I didn’t just see these as facts on a page, but rather as real life. I felt renewed even in my fatigue. I felt energized as I watched God bring our little girl closer and closer to leaving the NICU in our arms. I cheered victories of other babies/parents and cried in defeat of other babies/parents around us in the NICU. All along, God, who hung the stars and planets on nothing, was doing a work in me that can only be described as miraculous and amazing. He was deflating this high view of me that I had created; He was showing me how weak and frail we are as human beings, His creation. I needed Him more than any doctor or medical equipment. I needed Him more than any bank account or credit card. I am a dependent being, which prior to the fall was an accepted fact. But on this side of the Garden of Eden, I kick at the goads of my creator/owner because of my fallen flesh. All the while, my faithful Lord waits, desiring a more intimate relationship with Him and a greater dependence on Him that I have never had.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth Does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. (Isa 40:28-31)

Signs You Have Been in the Hospital Too Long

Back in the second week of February, my sweet pregnant wife had to spend a week in the hospital recovering from a nasty kidney infection. As she lay sleeping, I got bored with the slow passage of time. Thus, I began to do what I do when I get bored and have a computer or paper handy: I write. So what began as a boredom breaker, has now become a post on this blog. So here goes...enjoy!
1. You have the nurses shift changes memorized and know that you better get things done before shift change happens or after.
2. You start to like the color of your hospital room. (Mauve is a color, right?)
3. You know that a good night’s rest is impossible till you get home.
4. You begin to rank everything in your life on a one to ten scale, ten being the highest.
5. You memorize the cable channels that are good to watch.
6. The cafeteria food begins to seem normally priced and full of flavor. (ever heard of salt?)
7. You challenge yourself to find a different route every time you go to the parking lot so you can see more of the hospital. (ooohhh, more vending machines. Twinkie, anyone?)
8. When you are told that the doctor will be by soon, you take a nap, eat lunch, read a book , because you know you have time.
9. The patient’s arm begins to look like a pin cushion and you hate hearing the words, “blood, draw, more lab work.”
10. Hospital gowns seem comfy and you begin to wonder where you could buy one for wearing at home.
11. You start comparing and contrasting the different nurses on the different shifts like ballplayers on a sports team.
12.Can you think of any more?

A Truth That Hit Me Hard

A while back, I heard a recording of a sermon at a church in Nebraska (Nov 27, '07). The pastor, Bryan Clark, was preaching on Colossians 3:1-11. But one of the areas that he stopped and hammered home the truth was in verse 5 concerning sexual sin. He said the following,

If we believe that God is our Creator and God has created us the way he wants us, one of the things we have to wrestle with is why did God make us as sexual beings, and why did God make us with such a powerful sex drive...That’s according to God’s design, which raises the question: Why is that? And the answer is, ultimately our sex drive is this living metaphor for our soul’s longing to be intimate with God. It’s a desire for intimacy with a one-flesh life-long partner that’s meant to be just a taste of the intimacy that God wants to have with us. Therefore, I understand that no matter how wonderful my relationship may be with my wife, she cannot fully satisfy me. If she could, she would be God herself. She simply gives me a taste of that which satisfies, which leaves me longing for more. But more is not found in her. More is found in God. It’s a taste of the ultimate intimacy that God wants to have with us.
Therefore, it would be fair to say theologically that the sexual drive is actually, at its core, the soul’s longing to be intimate with God.

...One of the things we need to understand is the difference between sex management and victory over sexual sin... Sin management is if you have a problem with pornography, you get rid of the computer. That hasn’t really solved much; it’s just a management technique. But until you get down deep into the soul and address the core issue, that problem is never going to go away. We have to understand what the soul is longing for is intimacy with God. ...That person has to pursue relentlessly a relationship with Jesus in order to satisfy that deep-down drive. It’s not enough just to say, “I won’t do that anymore.” You have to replace that with that which satisfies, pursing Jesus as one would pursue a lover.

...I think we do our singles and our young people a great disservice if all we tell them is you just have to wait until marriage. Frankly, that just doesn’t work very well. It isn’t enough just to say, “You know, you gotta take a cold shower and hang in there.” What we have to understand is their soul is longing for something. And because of the culture in which we live, they think what it’s longing for is some sort of sexual satisfaction. We have to help them understand that ultimately what your
soul is longing for is intimacy with God. And even as a single, even as a young person you can have that. You can satisfy this need in a passionate, intimate relationship with Jesus.

I sat there stunned and overwhelmed with this truth. Why hadn't someone ever presented this truth to me back in my single days? I battled, as any honest human will admit, with keeping myself mentally pure as well as physically pure. I had never been told that the void that my flesh and heart was battling with was a spiritual one. By God's grace, I entered my marriage physically pure. Unfortunately, I entered my marriage with the mental scars from many battles that had raged.

Until I heard this message, I had never, and I mean never, heard a pastor talk this way from the pulpit about one's sex drive or sexuality. The messages I had always heard about sex were "Don't" and "Wait" both very Biblical messages. But what we need is not a negative but a positive approach to sexual purity. We need to teach believers that their sexual desire will never be satisfied without a proper Biblical approach to handling it; that approach is finding satisfaction in God alone and not in a physical relationship.Why is the church so afraid of sharing the truth that is so prevalent in the New Testament about sex and sexual sin? We must stop looking to psychology and speak what God's word says about sex.

God talks about it, so why don't we? (See I Cor. 7, I Thess. 4, etc.)

Starvation

I finally listened. I had heard what was being said for many weeks, but I finally swallowed my pride and listened. It was hard, real hard. To open my heart and mind and to listen to the truth was so painful, embarrassing, and overwhelming. The one who had been talking was not of this earth, but rather the Holy Spirit living within me. He had been trying to get my attention for so long and I consistently pushed Him aside settling for my own desires and strength. When at last my frail human mind and body could handle no more, I let go of my strangle hold on what I claimed as my life and fell on my face before my creator and Savior. I had failed; my wife had been hurt, I had been hurt, all because I was starving my soul of the food that it needed. I sat with my wife and admitted that it had been a couple of months or more since I had studied the Word for personal time with God.

Spiritual starvation, that’s the best way to summarize what I had done. Here I was training to be a missionary and I had neglected the one thing that all believers must do to survive: feeding themselves from the Word of God. Days had stretched into weeks, weeks into months and at last I realized what I was doing to the temple of the Holy Spirit. Why? Stupidity, ignorance? No, these were not on the radar of my choices as to why had I starved myself, hurting my young family and myself. Pride, yup, I said that dirty word. I actually believed that I could do it on my own. Over the past weeks, I would get some small snacks from a sermon here or there but instead of driving me to read the word for myself, I attempted to live on a snack rather than a meal. However, the miracle in all of this, God never stopped pursuing me; never.

This morning as I got out of my warm bed and left my wife sleeping, God led me to open the Word to Isaiah, a book I have read but not studied. Here is what God opened my eyes to as I sipped my coffee: "An ox knows its owner, And a donkey its master's manger, But Israel does not know, My people do not understand. Alas, sinful nation, People weighed down with iniquity, Offspring of evildoers, Sons who act corruptly! They have abandoned the LORD, They have despised the Holy One of Israel, They have turned away from Him. (Isa. 1:3-4, NASB) Isaiah was crying out to God’s people, Israel, showing them their sin and crying out for their repentance. However, as I read it this morning, the Holy Spirit changed a few words in that verse to show me that I too was acting as Israel once did: knowing the truth and attempting to live apart from it and do my own thing! Now, as a good dispensational student of the word, I know that God is speaking of literal Israel, but the application is very much for us today. Don’t reject the truth, you who know it.

If I stopped there it would be depressing because of the mess that I created. But God didn’t stop there with Israel and he doesn’t with us either. Read on: "Come now, and let us reason together," Says the LORD, "Though your sins are as scarlet, They will be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They will be like wool. "If you consent and obey, You will eat the best of the land; "But if you refuse and rebel, You will be devoured by the sword." Truly, the mouth of the LORD has spoken. (Isa. 1:18-20) (See Hebrews 12:4-11 for a New Testament teaching on God disciplining His children.) There is hope with God, always. Restoration is available to His children when they confess (I John 1:9) put aside the past ways (Colossians 3:1-17) and follow Christ and His teachings (Galatians 5:16). He has been waiting for me to get right with Him, not the other way around. I blew it and I must accept the consequences of my sin of apathy and pride.(Galatians 6:7-10) I praise God I am forgiven, but I must now rebuild my relationship with my wife but more importantly with Him.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3:19-20)